My Escape From Reality For A Few Days – South Beach Miami

My Escape From Reality For A Few Days - South Beach Miami

I have tried to be strong and keep my head up and focus on getting ready for my second IVF cycle, then over and over again, my phone rings… “Hey doll, how are you?”…. “Hey Diva, how are you holding up?”… voicemail after voicemail… text after text.. FB inbox after FB inbox… “How are you feeling?”… I FEEL LIKE CRAP ! I JUST LOST A BABY I HAD BEEN DREAMING OF… PLANNING FOR… MY WHOLE LIFE… HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK I FEEL?… Well, that is what I want to say , LOL. So instead, I just either ignore the messages, or I just reply with a response that never addresses the question… like HI… WHATS SHAKIN ON YOUR SIDE OF THE WORLD?

Then two days later, SAME PERSONS… same question… Um.. did you notice that I failed to answer you the last ten times you sent that message or left it on my vm?

I try not to let it get to me, but just when life seems remotely normal, like, I am doing okay today,the message/text/vm !

Lucky for me, a friend had been planning a week long birthday bash celebration in Miami, FL, for some time. I decided to still go. He rented a 7 bedroom estate home on the Biscayne Bay, a million dollar yacht for day two, planned VIP club parties, jet ski excursions, VIP entrances to Miami hotspots like Clevelander and Wet Willies, and a celebrity chef, manicurist, and masseuse, at our beck and call ALL week ! Did I mention a fully stocked bar and bartender all day long and all night?

I am so glad I decided to come and enjoy my friend’s birthday celebration and live life MY way. This is soooo much fun. Who doesn’t love special treatment and VIP status? What is my life? lol

Now if the rest of my life would line up with the rest of this blessed fairy tale I get to live because of God’s grace… Can you drop a set of healthy twins in the mix and while you are at it God, send me a Scott Foley look alike with a seven carat diamond ring set in platinum… If that too much to ask… I mean dream for? 🙂

Seriously, I am prayerful and confident that I WILL be a mother soon. God has never forsaken me, no matter what it looked like at the onset… He has tremendously blessed me and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will come thru on this too…

I am looking forward to receiving my PGD report on my baby. Next week, I will learn more about why I miscarried…
Until then… TURN UP !

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Recuperating – The 411

Recuperating - The 411

Surprisingly, I have had no cramping and very little bleeding after my D&C. The bleeding stopped today and I feel pretty good.

The only complaint I have is that once they wheeled me back to recovery, I started sneezing and my nose was running. It got progressively worse. I went out and got Benedryl tablets and have been taking them. The sneezing stopped and it is starting to dry out my nose. I will be glad when that ends, as it is gorgeous outside and I have an awful cold or allergy attack.

Benedryl makes you very sleepy, which is probably a good thing, otherwise, I would not take the time to rest.

I spent a little time today combing thru ads on Freegaragesale.com for Menopur and Gonal-F. Like a dummy, I donated my left over meds and now I will need them. Hopefully, I will be able to find some on one of the sites so that I won’t have a huge expense, as I am out of pocket. Insurance will not cover any infertility meds, which really sucks.

I am looking forward to getting the PGD report back on my fetus to find out if anything was wrong with it… It will make a huge difference moving forward by knowing what happened.

I think the hardest part in all this are the phone calls, texts and FB messages from friends asking how I am doing and other women from the boards asking what I am doing next… I really do not want to have to think about it. I just want life to resume as normal. I will be careful not to mention my next cycling until I at least 15 weeks pregnant. I see now how much of nuisance it is to have people feel sorry for you or ask a million questions that you do not want to answer.

My Suction D&C with Genetic Testing – The 411

My Suction D&C with Genetic Testing -  The 411

Yesterday, I arrived at Lenox Hill Hospital at 1:00pm. On the way in, I ran into my NYC RE, Dr. Tomer Singer. He grabbed me, hugged me and again said how sorry he was about my loss. He said he saw me on the schedule, wished me luck with the procedure and told me to be sure to come in weekly for beta monitoring.

While sitting at the hospital, I checked my emails and my RE from CNY Fertility Center and Spa, Dr. Michael Grossman and also my travel nurse, Greta, both emailed me to wish me luck with the procedure and express condolences. My entire medical team has been amazing ! They have been calling and emailing me daily to see how I am doing.

I went to the 10th floor of the hospital, checked in for my 4 pm procedure and shortly the intake nurse took me to the back. She gave me a bag with a gown, robe and slippers, and sat me in a nice reclining chair in the pre-surgical wait area. Dr. Harry Karamitsos, my OB from Manhattan Physician’s Group, came over, had me sign some documents, explained what was going to happen and made sure I was doing okay. He kept saying how sorry he was that the first cycle did not end in a live birth and that he was here for me moving forward. He went over to some office in the hospital to pick up the PGD kit and came back with it and told me to have the nurse leave it in my chart. It was a large, weird shaped vial with pink liquid in it.

Later the nurse came over to ask me interview questions and then had me change into the gown, robe and slippers. She then had me sign my advance directive and then went to get my mother.

As I sat waiting on the Anesthesiologist, my wait turned into several hours. The case before me ran into some kind of complications and her surgery, whatever it was, ended up taking from 3pm to 8:30pm. I did not go into the OR until 9:15pm.

I was given the option of postponing until the next morning, but I opted to wait and get it over with. I did not want to risk my body starting a natural miscarriage ! I was already starting to cramp and was experiencing pink tinges on toilet paper and “she was not doing that !” No having contractions for hours, passing clots, then the fetus, followed by gushing blood, pain, etc… No Thank You !

The Anesthesiologist came out and asked me a ton of questions and my OB introduced us and told me the Dr. D was his father’s anesthesiologist when he had bypass surgery. Dr. D was a pretty cool doctor. He calmed me right down. I was then led to the OR by my two nurses and the older one told me she had just had IVF. We talked about it on the walk to the OR.

Once in the OR, it was COLD ! I met a male surgical assistant, another nurse, the two that walked me down, my Anesthesiologist and Dr. Karamitsos. It was a full on circus of people.
I got on the bed after disrobing and then my IV was started. I did not remember much after the meds went in as I was OUT ! I woke up at 9:55pm and was like wow… that’s it? Done? Dr. Karamitsos and Dr. D were standing over me and asking how I felt. I was like HUNGRY ! Dr. K went out to talk to my mom and I was rolled to recovery. I am not quite sure how and when I ended up on a different bed… Weird! You fall asleep on a bed with a hole under your tush and wake up on a stretcher type bed, LOL.

In recovery, I was wide awake. I was not queasy nor nauseated. I told the nurse all they gave me was Toradol… that was not that bad of a drug… not like propofol or versed… I am awake, alert and ready to go !

After lying still for 40 mins. I was placed in a chair. I was giving apple juice and graham crackers. After demonstrating that I was okay and not nauseated, I was permitted to go to the bathroom and get dressed.  I had a little bleeding but nothing too bad.  I was irked because I was hoping to NOT have another period for at least 12 months… oh well, at least it was mild spotting.

I was discharged at 11 pm and my mom wanted to catch a cab, but I felt fine and wanted to take the subway to Penn Station to take the train to her house.  I decided not to stay in NYC until the next day and just go to Northern VA to her house so I can relax, not have to deal with people and rest.

My mom spoils me and my sister lives about 50 miles from my mom so I can get her husband, who owns a catering company to make me chopped chicken bbq on his 8 ft barrel grill 🙂  I figure I will milk this cow while I can… everything will be back to normal soon enough LOL.

Yesterday, I was bombarded with emails, texts and calls from my production team, friends, social media friends wondering what was going on…  It was team too much !  I had to express that I will post exactly what I want exposed about my personal life.  When you are in the public eye, people who only know you on social media or thru your work, seem to think they can inbox you or post asking personal questions.  I forgot to make the picture I posted visible only to my friends…  I got so many questions of concern and downright nosey-ness !  I just ignored the posts and inboxes.  I am already filming my whole journey for reality tv, so I refuse to put much else on display.  Now I wish I had waited to post that pic so that only my friends/ fam can see it.  I took the pic off my profile so that killed all the curiosity…

Anyway, I got to DC this morning, hopped in the car and drove out to my mom’s.  She immediately made me go get in the bed and said she does not want to see me for several hours LOL.

I got Chick Fil A for breakfast and thank goodness I baked a few loaves of Buttermilk Banana Nut Bread on Sunday to have something quick to snack on.  I am being a good little patient, well today at least, and then I will just patiently wait the 4-6 weeks for my menses to start so that I can go in for baseline and start stimming.   I am going to order my meds a med a week until I get them all in so that I am ready for my next IVF.  The money I am spending on meds, I intended to spend on this elaborate nursery I designed.  I was looking forward to going to North Carolina to High Point and picking out the gray furniture I have been eyeballing on manufacturers websites.  Oh well, now if my IVF takes on round two, my baby(ies) will not be born until April or May, so I have time.

I am hopeful that IVF #2 will be a charm !  And I do have frozen AA embryos for FETs plus what ever is frozen from my next fresh cycle, should it not take.  I am just going to pray and keep the faith and speak this thing into existence !!

Suction D & C – The 411

Suction D & C - The 411

I went in to see my OB, Dr. Karamitsos today. He was heartbroken about my miscarriage, as he has been on my journey to TTC for almost two years now.

We scheduled my D&C at Lenox Hill Hospital, the same hospital I was to give birth at, for Monday.

I am just praying that I do not start to have a natural miscarriage before Monday. I really want to do this at the hospital and skip all the natural experience ! I will anxiously await the results of the PGD done on the fetus. Hopefully I will have some answers and not more questions.

My OB did run a battery of blood tests to check for other abnormalities and also to make sure I am not insulin resistant. A few tests were not done previously, as there was no need for it. Now we are double checking autoimmune issues and glucose, just to be on the safe side before I start stimming again.

Anger- The 411

Anger- The 411

The past few days, I have wanted to just lie in bed and sulk. I have had several conversations with God; wondering what in hell He is doing to my life…

I find myself angry. Trying to make sense of a missed miscarriage is just, well, …. no sensible !

I still have NO symptoms.  My beta went up from 7985 to 9400 since last week… The RE says it is just my placenta in overdrive.

I wonder if it would have been easier had I not gotten a positive and just had to go in for a second round of IVF to get a BFP?  Who knows…

Tomorrow, I do see my OB, Dr. Karamitsos for a pre-surgical consult for the suction D&C.  I am going to do the D&C early next week and get it over with.  After my next period, I can start stimming for the next IVF.  Since Dr. Grossman feels that I do not need to take a break and that success rates are higher with fresh transfers, I am going to proceed.

I just do not think I can get excited about another pregnancy until the baby is born and I hear it / them cry.

I had already started planning and purchasing items for a gender reveal party in July.  It was going to be a top billing affair !  I selected THE cake, all of the “what will it bee” items, party favors, found cake and cookie vendors, started ordering chafing dishes and beehive drink dispensers…  Now I have no desire to even do it, for fear that something will go wrong.

I have read way too many posts on the online discussion boards from women who went in at 6wk, 8wks, 12 wks, 16 wks etc and there was not detected heartbeat !  That is so utterly devastating.  I never had a fetal pole and in looking at images of 6 wk ultrasounds, my embryo was far behind in development.  It angers me !

I have to look at it in terms of if something were wrong with the baby, I would not want it to suffer, nor would I want to give birth to a child and watch it suffer and die after birth due to some chromosomal abnormality.

I question God and wonder why is this happening?  Have I not been thru enough in my life?  Does EVERY effing thing have to be a struggle?  Why would my life not be better as a non-believer, since evil seems to always prosper?  Those who proclaim no faith and even denounce faith seem to live happily ever after.  Hell, a crackhead can carry a baby to term !  Really?  What purpose is it really serving me to believe in a God who seems hell bent on derailing my dreams?  Are we not to be in His PERMISSIVE WILL as well as His DIRECTIVE WILL?  What happened to “my Word will not return unto me void” or “whatsoever you as in my name shall be done according to your faith?”  NO one has more faith than I… NO ONE trusts more blindly than I… and THIS is my reward?

Then I pull myself back into reality and realize that no good thing will God ever withhold from me.  Every time He has delayed something in my life, it has NEVER been a denial.  I always got WAAAAAAY better than I actually asked Him for at the time.  So, I am left to just keep trusting, keep believing, and not let the enemy into my head space.

I am a true woman of God and a believer.  I am a strong woman and nothing that the world throws at me can truly shake that foundation and I have to continue to stand in a storm and know that I will come out unharmed.  That is what having faith is all about.  If it is never tested, then how will we know we really believe?

I throw away my tear-stained cloth and dust myself off and get back in fight position.  There is NOTHING that will stop me from getting to the finish line and holding babies in my arms.  If God can give Elizabeth and all those old women in the Bible babies when they were old as dirt, SURELY He can bring two this way since I am a Spring Chicken… well… maybe a Summer one !  😉

Arrested Development at 6 weeks 2 days – the 411

Arrested Development at 6 weeks 2 days - the 411

I went in to see my RE at his urging after last week’s sonogram showed that the embryo was smaller than should be by a few days.

When Dr. Singer did the ultrasound yesterday, the embryo is still measuring 6 weeks 2 days, although I have had no cramping, no bleeding, nothing…

I was 8 weeks yesterday.

The nurse drew my blood and Dr. Singer suspects that my beta will have dropped since last weeks reading of 8000.

I was given the choice of scheduling a suction d&c, taking cytotex to induce an abortion, or waiting for the miscarriage to happen naturally. Needless to say, I was devastated, but at the same time, knew that there were risks of early miscarriage.

If I do a suction d&c, then the embryo will be sent off for genetic testing so that I will know what if anything was chromosomally abnormal and what the gender was.

After reading up on cytotec, a drug which makes your cervix turn to mush to induce an abortion, I am not entirely comfortable with the idea of inserting two pills in to my hoo-haw, two in my mouth, and then waiting for cramping and bleeding and the expulsion of a fetus that I am to collect in a sterile cup and stick in my fridge and take back to the doctor. NOT !

I am definitely not going to sit around and wait weeks for this to happen naturally, as I want this over so that I can move on.

Once my beta is zero, I can start stimming for another egg retrieval to freeze all embryos, but I have to wait until September to do the frozen embryo transfer.

I am left to follow my own advice given to women on the boards… brush it off and keep fighting…

My mom wants me to look into donor egg cycles to decrease the chance of this happening again. I think she was more hurt than I was…

I am going to do another egg retrieval and just go thru FETs until all the embryos are gone. If I do not have a live birth from those, then I will go to donor eggs at the end of the year.