The past few days, I have wanted to just lie in bed and sulk. I have had several conversations with God; wondering what in hell He is doing to my life…

I find myself angry. Trying to make sense of a missed miscarriage is just, well, …. no sensible !

I still have NO symptoms.  My beta went up from 7985 to 9400 since last week… The RE says it is just my placenta in overdrive.

I wonder if it would have been easier had I not gotten a positive and just had to go in for a second round of IVF to get a BFP?  Who knows…

Tomorrow, I do see my OB, Dr. Karamitsos for a pre-surgical consult for the suction D&C.  I am going to do the D&C early next week and get it over with.  After my next period, I can start stimming for the next IVF.  Since Dr. Grossman feels that I do not need to take a break and that success rates are higher with fresh transfers, I am going to proceed.

I just do not think I can get excited about another pregnancy until the baby is born and I hear it / them cry.

I had already started planning and purchasing items for a gender reveal party in July.  It was going to be a top billing affair !  I selected THE cake, all of the “what will it bee” items, party favors, found cake and cookie vendors, started ordering chafing dishes and beehive drink dispensers…  Now I have no desire to even do it, for fear that something will go wrong.

I have read way too many posts on the online discussion boards from women who went in at 6wk, 8wks, 12 wks, 16 wks etc and there was not detected heartbeat !  That is so utterly devastating.  I never had a fetal pole and in looking at images of 6 wk ultrasounds, my embryo was far behind in development.  It angers me !

I have to look at it in terms of if something were wrong with the baby, I would not want it to suffer, nor would I want to give birth to a child and watch it suffer and die after birth due to some chromosomal abnormality.

I question God and wonder why is this happening?  Have I not been thru enough in my life?  Does EVERY effing thing have to be a struggle?  Why would my life not be better as a non-believer, since evil seems to always prosper?  Those who proclaim no faith and even denounce faith seem to live happily ever after.  Hell, a crackhead can carry a baby to term !  Really?  What purpose is it really serving me to believe in a God who seems hell bent on derailing my dreams?  Are we not to be in His PERMISSIVE WILL as well as His DIRECTIVE WILL?  What happened to “my Word will not return unto me void” or “whatsoever you as in my name shall be done according to your faith?”  NO one has more faith than I… NO ONE trusts more blindly than I… and THIS is my reward?

Then I pull myself back into reality and realize that no good thing will God ever withhold from me.  Every time He has delayed something in my life, it has NEVER been a denial.  I always got WAAAAAAY better than I actually asked Him for at the time.  So, I am left to just keep trusting, keep believing, and not let the enemy into my head space.

I am a true woman of God and a believer.  I am a strong woman and nothing that the world throws at me can truly shake that foundation and I have to continue to stand in a storm and know that I will come out unharmed.  That is what having faith is all about.  If it is never tested, then how will we know we really believe?

I throw away my tear-stained cloth and dust myself off and get back in fight position.  There is NOTHING that will stop me from getting to the finish line and holding babies in my arms.  If God can give Elizabeth and all those old women in the Bible babies when they were old as dirt, SURELY He can bring two this way since I am a Spring Chicken… well… maybe a Summer one !  😉