IVF #3 Stim Day 7 – The 411

baby - ivf 2 stim day 2

Today is my 7th night of stims.  I am happy to say that I have been doing well and am not bruised up yet !  Maybe because they do not have me taking Lovenox until after transfer this time.

I mixed all my meds and did the two injections and am finally starting to feel the ovarian swell.  My estradiol is only 123 today.  I emailed my doctor about my concerns and asked if we needed to adjust anything to get that E2 up because I am not going through another cycle and peaking at 148 and ending up with immature eggs.  My E2 during my first cycle was almost 400 at this point.  I still have a full week of injections before trigger so I am hoping by Wednesday that it goes up some and that by Friday it is in the 1000’s.

I am starting to become weepy !  UGH !!   I am not sure how much of it is the stress of my mom’s illness and undergirding fear that something could go horribly wrong in a few months… With cancer, you never know.  A lot of that is stimming from my friend Joanne’s passing at the age of 32.  WHY ???   She did have a rare cancer, endometrial, which went to her chest pretty quickly and then ended up in her brain.  I am completely heartbroken that she did not get to have her dream wedding… have children with her fiancee… live her life !!  But who is to say she did not live it?  God, this is soooo unfair !!  My soul cries for her !

I have been having a rough couple of days.  Not sure if any of you have ever had to deal with the elderly, let alone the elderly with alzheimers.  Enter my grandmom !  LAUD JESUS UP ON HIGH !!!

I have BEGGED my sister, who lives in North Carolina to PLEASE come get her.  No one understand what it is like.  I feel saddled once again by my family.  That is the reason I moved to NYC to get away and live a life that did not require that I give up so much of myself. There was no one there depending on me and for the first time, I felt FREE.  I came back last summer to help my mom out with my grandmom who she had to move to VA from NC because she fell ill and it was discovered that she had alzheimers.  The burden of dealing with someone who has dying brain cells, is clinging to a past life they are incapable of now living, and being resentful, sneaky, bitchy, and down right pissed off, is HARD.

With me, I am a more take no prisoners type.  My grandmother is a weak woman.  Still caring the scars of child abuse at the hand of her father and the ignorance of it by her mother.  By the time my mom and her siblings we here, my great-grandfather had found Christ and became a preacher.  He left behind unhealed wounds which he inflicted on all six of those children and they are all broken, hurting people in their old age.  Nothing you say can change their experience.

I have two sisters, both of whom are married.  One lives 50 miles from my mom and she comes to help out when she can, but has two teen daughters.  My other sister moved to NC last summer and has an adult son in CA, and with her a teen and a two year old baby and her husband works out of the country.  Being that the one in NC is a nurse, I felt it would be fair of her, while I am stimming and a complete emotional mess, to come get my grandmom for 2 weeks so that she is not on my heels every freaking minute wanting to HELP me… help me cook… help me clean the kitchen… wanting to check the mail (which she will hide if you let her check it and her bills won’t get paid)… wanting to inject me with my meds (she was a nurse)… she wants to be helpful, but I do not want nor need her help.  It is down right ANNOYING !   Imagine having about 12 pre-teens following you around all day !   That is what it is like with ONE alzheimers patient.  They want to be grown and exert their “grown-ness” but they can no longer do anything.   You let her cook, she doesn’t remember what goes into anything and will make a nasty mess and will leave the gas on the burner and burn the house down.   Dying brain cells coupled with yet ANOTHER UTI !  UTI’s in the elderly cause psychosis !  She becomes beligerant, argumentative for no reason and even more paranoid that she is already !  I find her plundering through things, peering over the catwalk at me for prolonged periods to see what I am doing in the family room  ( I am WORKING!!), or constantly coming in to the kitchen when I am in there and being in my way.  It gets to the point, I have to turn off what ever I am making and just wait for her to finish washing the dishes, putting them away, or what ever other busy work she finds to do.

My sister in NC gave me the ” I am busy… working a 9-5… have a teen and a baby… etc.” bullshit.  People assume that because you do not have children or a husband, you are free to pick up all the slack and I am tired of it. I feel like the dumping ground sometimes.  I work harder and longer than anyone in this family.   Do you have ANY idea how long it takes to write a script, polish it, do a business plan, plan out the film production and then chase down money to make it?   On top of that branding and developing new projects.  I am in the middle of film festival submissions right now and also developing a stage play and a new screenplay.  I need to focus.  I can not do that, cook, keep an eye on my mom, be hell hacked by my grandmother sans the time she is at day care for 4 hrs, and do my work.   I have barely had time to sit and go through possible dates on Match.com let alone EHarmony I am paying $45 or so a month for.

My other sister will be coming out here at the end of the week to sit with our mom and entertain my grandmom.  My mom’s brother is tied up with his daughter who has an eating disorder, so of course, I get stuck with having to be superwoman.

I will be sooooo glad when I am finally pregnant and have these babies.  I planned to move away sooner, but I lost my daughter who would have been born in December on Christmas… so I stuck around the East Coast to be closer to my doctors and clinic and to help my mom.  Now my mom is ill, so I guess God had a way of putting me where I was going to be needed.   I am just ready to do something for myself.   I never get to be as selfish as my sisters and live in my own cocoon.  I get stuck having to pick up everyone’s slack.

Prayerfully, this is MY cycle and I can get this show on the road, have these babies, and MOVE to the West Coast.  Eventually, I want to relocate to Europe.  At least part of the year.  It would nice to spend time in different places before I get too old to enjoy life.

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Diez Huevos ! – The 411

baby - 10 eggs

YAY !  This morning I had a monitoring appointment and I currently have 5 follicles on each side and more little ones developing.  My follicles are small and the nurse thinks they should be mature (18-25mm) early next week.  My initial target retrieval date was Friday or Monday.  I am hoping it is not until at least Monday to let the follicles mature properly so that I do not end up at retrieval with immature eggs this time.  My doctor is not on vacation and is closely monitoring what is going on, so I am relieved that he is watching and not the nursing staff.

On Friday, the hospital’s lab did not send my bloodwork in STAT !  I was sooo pissed off because the blood work they did would not be back until today or tomorrow, which means the whole weekend I went along without know what the numbers were looking like.  My clinic and I discussed it and I am going in to Labcorp the rest of the week for the blood work.  The blood work will post to an interface within a few hours of the pick up.

I am anxiously awaiting the blood work results from today.

IVF #3 Stims Day 6 – The 411

baby - IVF3 stim day 1

Today is my 6th day of stims and I expect to trigger later this week and report to Albany.  I am hoping that I have to go on Thursday evening for a Friday retrieval and then I will come back to my mom’s until the night before my transfer.

I am not taking a film crew with me this time, as they should have enough footage from my last procedure to piece together what they need.  My hair is the same so we are good !  lol

I have been enjoying the day with my mom.  We rented a couple of movies on demand.  The first, Camp X-ray was a great indie pick !   Now we are watching Captain America – Winter Soldier, which I have previously seen.

Today, I made homemade pizza for lunch and it was pretty tasty !  I am now getting bored with cooking everyday.  It was exciting and a stress reliever at first, but there are only 3 people in here and two of us are gastric bypass patients and do not eat much lol.   I am going to have my sister come get some of this food and I am freezing some of it to ship to my nephew in California.

pizza

My injections went smoothly tonight.  I am just looking forward to being done with them.

Hope you all had a great weekend !!

IVF #3 Stims Day 5- The 411

baby - ivf 2 stim day 3

Tonight, I had a hard time doing my injections, mainly because I was very distracted.

This morning, I awoke to learn that a colleague and friend, super model Joanne Borgella, passed away at the age of 32.  She had a year long battle with a rare endometrial cancer.  I am heartbroken.  A few months ago, she was on the brink of remission.  I EFFING hate cancer !  This beautiful girl was planning her wedding…

http://bossip.com/1050063/gone-too-soon-american-idol-plus-size-beauty-joanne-borgella-passes-away-at-32-following-battle-with-cancer/

Anyway, although I iced my tummy, I evidently stuck myself too far using the 22 gauge needle because I was bleeding after the injection.

I am worn out.  I spent the day working on film festival submissions and I stopped long enough to cook dinner:  smothered pork chops, rice, string beans, and honey corn muffins.

Now, I am going to go watch a little tv and figure out how to work this stupid EHarmony website.  I am paying $45 a month for this ish and have not taken the time to even use it.  I will start tonight. 🙂

Hope everyone is doing well !

More Meds – The 411

I have no idea why I get so excited and overwhelmed every time Freedom Fertility Pharmacy sends a box via FedEx with medications for me !

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The Box !!

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The Meds !

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My Lovenox (blood thinners) !   YAY!!!

My dresser looks like I am starting a small pharmacy, but I know that in those boxes, bottles, and packs are my medications to help me get the twins I want.  Fear is starting to sink in that I will have problems giving myself injections and I almost want to go camp at my sister’s house.  She is an RN.  I am sure I will get it done, but I am excited and scared at the same time.  Today is CD 12 and on CD 21, it starts !

Time Is Ticking !

Time Is Ticking !

Today, I received some of my medications from Freedom Fertility Pharmacy ! My doctor and I discussed adding some meds to my protocol to increase the chances of my IVF taking.

In addition to Gonal F-450, Menopur-150, Lupron, and antibiotic, we added Femera (days 5-9), Prednisone, and Intralipids. After transfer I will be taking Crinone Gel.

I feel like a kid at Christmas receiving my meds because I know they will help me achieve my dreams of having twins ! I am feeling mixed emotions. I realize how much my life will change. Basically, my life will no longer be my own. I will be responsible for another PERSON ! I can not sleep when I want, not that I sleep that much anyway, but still…

I am excited about having a little person to nourish, love, and help shape. I am also excited to see the little persons personality emerge and see what their dreams and aspirations are…

Today is Cycle Day One for me !!! Update…the 411

Today is Cycle Day One for me !!!   Update...the 411

I have mixed emotions since.. THIS IS IT ! Today is cycle day 1 for me. That means on day 21, I start taking the Estrace for seven days. After that, I wait for instructions on starting the injections !

After talking to some of the ladies on my forum who are using the same fertility center, I learned about some protocol add ons that may be helpful. I did some research and then sent a message to my doctor.

My doctor agreed to add femara on days 5-9 of stimming), prednisone (a steroid to help with implantation), intralipids (an IV med which helps if you have an autoimmune disorder in which your body has human killer cells which attack the embryo), and after retrieval, I will inject a blood thinner, Lovenox to also help my uterine lining and with implantation.

This entire process has been nerve wracking and exciting. It has been like a second job ! I have spent inordinate amounts of time researching and on blogs and forums learning everything I can to help put a baby or two in my arms.

I sometimes feel like a failure because I did not meet Mr. Right and will not be able to give my child(ren) a father. But I know in my heart and from experience that it is far better to give children ONE stable parent who is happy than to be in a marriage or relationship that is unstable and devoid of happiness. When God is ready, I will meet the person I am supposed to spend my life with, but if it doesn’t happen, I can not live the rest of my days NOT being a mother.

I am very much aware and very nervous about how much this is going to change my life and I can only pray that God gives me kids on the easier end of the spectrum and not brats ! I am devoted to being the best parent I can be and to giving all I have to this.

I am working on a new docu-series about my experience and to showcase all that we single women go through to get to motherhood.