Well guess who showed up this morning?  Aunt Flo.  This heifer took her behind on a seven day vacation and went AWOL.  Nobody gave this heifer permission to be absent without leave !  She did not even warn anyone that she was taking off for parts unknown.  She came back all relaxed and red as a beet.  I did not appreciate having to put out a medical search party for her tail either !

After I had time to calm down from my anger towards her, I realized that she was gone for seven days…. SEVEN.  My favorite number because is symbolized completion in God.  I remembered that I promised myself I would let go of the reigns and just let God be the pilot and focus on what I DO have control over and be the best and do the best with that.

So today is CD1 (cycle day 1).  Tomorrow, I will give Stacy, at Dr. K’s office a call so she can call Lenox Hill Hospital and get me scheduled for the hysteroscopy with biopsy on CD 20.  CD 21 fall on a weekend, so day 20 it will be.

Shortly after the procedure, I should get my next period around the third weekend of January and start stimming, provided everything is okay at baseline.  I will continue doing weekly acupuncture, doing weekly castor oil packs to increase blood flow to the reproductive organs and detox, and will take maca root every other day while taking the Estrace to avoid the cysts that always develop as a result of all that estrogen.

At the rate we are going, I will be back at a Christmas birth again !

I am dreading Christmas Day and I keep kicking myself for arranging my IVF around trying to have a baby on Christmas.  Would have been great had she survived, but now I will always remember May 15th (three days after the anniversary of my father’s passing) as the day she stopped developing, June 2nd, as the day I had to have her surgically removed from my womb, and December 25th as the day I had planned a scheduled c-section, to bring my child(ren) into the world on the day that is most significant to me.

No one understands what this feels like.  I feel like a dagger is piercing my soul the closer we get to Christmas.  I try to keep busy with “Christmas -y” stuff to keep my mind off of what I have turned this day into.  It is not working.  I am starting to despise that day.  I am sure I will get beyond it at some point, but right now, I just want to sit in it.