There are things that happen in life that SHOULD fill your heart with joy. There are times in life that you should be able to celebrate with others. Infertility robs you of the ability to do those things. Infertility robs you of joy, peace, understanding, compassion, and also the ability to give two f*^%S about anything in general at times.
Yesterday, I learned that my 18 year old niece is six months pregnant. She is having a boy and he is due January 11th. While any baby is a gift from God and here because He has a purpose for that life, it stings like hell and I am mad as hell about it.
We, grown women, who have the ability to care for and nurture a child and have some knowledge to impart to sow into the life of a child, can not seem to have one. A child who has not experienced anything in life, has no job, work experience, headed to college, and is graduating high school in May, is pregnant with a baby she can not care for financially, has no patience for children as evidenced by how my niece who is three, grates on her nerves, and is not in a position to be a mother, IS PREGNANT !
We, adults, who are infertile, spend every dime in our savings accounts, suffer and struggle through this journey and it seems as though God has jokes. Innocent babies are given to teens who are irresponsible, to crackheads, to trifling women who intentionally get pregnant for a 18-21 year payment plan, and life is supposed to be fair?
All I can do at this point is just get up out my feelings and trust in God’s Word. I will stand in covenant faith that God will do what He said He would do and His Word will not return void.
I refuse to become Bitter ! I resolve to become BETTER !! Funny how one little ole letter can change a word….
Through Christ, we can do all things and having a baby is one of those things !
After a discussion with my nephew yesterday, I have decided to move up my IVF timeline. Instead of waiting until April to transfer, I will move it up to January. I am moving to California and do not want to have to come back to the East Coast if I do not have to and that will allow me to find an awesome OB, RE etc in California in enough time. My nephew brought up the point that all of his friends who have birthdays around major holidays, like Christmas, resent it. That coupled with the fact that my niece is due the beginning of January (which means she could deliver earlier) has tarnished the whole Christmas birth for me. I want my babies to be born during a month where there are no other family member birthdays. I will shoot for October or November for the due date to avoid this.
I am trying to muster up enough energy to hide my hurt and disappointment so that I can be supportive of my niece at a time that she most needs it. Her dad is being an ass from what my other sister told my mom. I truly do not understand how a man who knocked up my sister when she was in college studying Physical Therapy and was deployed by the Army Reserves to Budapest when they started dating. My sister came back from Budapest and found out shortly thereafter that she was pregnant. They married when my niece was one years old. They have been married now for 17 years and have another young teen daughter. My mother wanted more for my sister other than to fall prey to a long standing family curse of pregnancy prior to marriage. The only good thing, is that these couples marry and love each other and most have stayed married until death or are still married. In so many ways, I fault my sister and husband for this happening. Kids will be kids ! It is a parental responsibility to ensure that daughters are on birth control that PARENTS control (ie: give the pill every morning before school, IUD or Depo shots etc). You NEVER allow an irresponsible teenager to take their own birth control. Additionally, the boy my niece is dating is nice, but he is not good enough to date her. He has no real ambition, comes from a broken home with no familial support or influence and he just basically exists and does not know what he wants to do. He should just go in to the military and find himself. As a parent, I would have forbade that relationship period. My sister and her husband are too lax to me when it comes to their children hanging out with their friends. They are allowed to stay the night over their friend’s homes and also make friends with people they really should not be friends with because they are not on the same paths in life. We were always taught that birds of a feather flock together and that we should make friends with people who had similar interests and who were going somewhere in life. Even now, I keep people in my inner circle who are doing as well as I am or better. They inspire me and I inspire them. We push each other to do better. None of my niece’s friends have gotten pregnant. It is sad that I kept thinking in the back of my mind that this is inevitable. My brother-in-law is very hard on the girls and the girls are very softhearted like my sister. Often, in an attempt to protect children or rear them in a way that you feel will make them avoid mistakes you have made in your own life, has an adverse effect and pushes the children further away from you, having them seek out the affection they crave from the stoic parent. Ray Charles can see that ! What is sad, the sibling is a clone of her sister. Both girls are very bright, but totally into how they look, makeup and selfies. They also dress like typical teens… like a brat doll. Sadly, I will not be shocked if the other niece walks the same path. For that, my heart breaks. All I can do is pray for them and at the same time be glad that my sister and her husband are stable, loving, and have the financial means to be there for my niece. This is not what I wanted for her. My niece aspires to be a designer and model. She is tall, tiny, and perfect for modeling. I noticed before we moved that she was sleeping an awful lot, sick with the “flu” for an extended period, and also no longer wearing her mid drift bearing cIothes. It all makes sense…. My niece did not want to tell my mom because she was scared to and also because my mom is still not well from the cancer treatments.
I swear I will not let the words “what next” come out of my mouth again !
Ugh. I am sorry… For your niece, for how this has impacted you, for all of it. While I applaud you for taking the high road and renewing your faith I want to honour how painful and exhausting this is.
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Thanks dear !
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Praying your next round is successful for you! I feel your anguish and frustration. Like you, I am not giving up on my quest for a baby. Four failed ivf rounds under my belt but I will try again after a second laparoscopic surgery. A bible verse that is comforting to me right now is “Bear fruit with patient endurance”. Praying you find continued strength.
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Thank you so much Laura.