So…… on top of all the other stuff that has been going on in my life of late : Mom- cancer , Godmother- cancer, Me- 5 failed IVF cycles, Friend – son and grandmom dies same day in 2 different places, Friend- father dies, Best Friend – mother dies of cancer, Grandmother – advanced stage alzheimer, Me- packing up my mom’s house to move across country, Me- filming TWO different shows for TV, Me- writing a book about my struggles with infertility Me- dealing with the anniversary of the loss of my baby, Me- working in other film projects….. okay, that is enough to drive any sane person INsane…. Guess what has happened now?
Friday, my spiritual advisor / spiritual mom/ the one who keeps me prayed up and has kept me sane throughout these last two years that I have been working on baby #1… one of the strongest women I know.. healthy as a horse… has a massive STROKE out of the blue. She can not speak. She has swelling on her brain and they are awaiting the swelling to go down before they can assess what is going on and the prognosis. She is no where near out of the woods….
THEN…. my mom’s sister went into congestive heart failure yesterday morning and died in her home.
I am like WHAT NEXT JESUS? Am I supposed to be the female Job now? If so can you warn a sister? I did NOT sign on for all this crap. How strong do you really think I am? Obviously pretty strong since you keep throwing stuff my way and I am STILL standing… STILL sane… and STILL faithful. I am like, can you ease up off me a bit? REALLY? Can ya just do that? I prayed for discernment. I prayed for strength. I prayed for you to take me to the next level. I prayed for covering and for blessings. Um, I am giving you the benefit of the doubt since you can see a lot further than I can, but um, Lord God, I am struggling here ! I remind myself that this is so not about me. There is a blessing in this and a testimony in this chaotic drama SOMEwhere… I just can not see it.
I will say this, all of this stuff happening is truly testing my faith and letting me know that I can ONLY rely on God. The devil IS a liar from the fiery pit of hell ! Instead of all of this pulling me from God, it is making run to Him that much harder because I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that God is good ALL the time, in spite of what I go through. I have a covenant relationship with God and I KNOW that He has promised me that He would never take me to anything that He would not bring me through. For that, I praise God’s Holy name. He has ALWAYS brought me through every trial and tribulation in my life and I am ALWAYS the better for it.
How people who have no faith get through life, I have no clue. But when I tell you God will wipe away EVERY tear and He will give you double for your trouble, He WILL ! He has proven that to me every time I have ever gone through hell on Earth. When my wedding was called off and all hell broke loose in my life, I NEVER thought I would get over that and be able to move forward, but God brought me through that I was able to see in the end that God saved my life by removing that man from my life. He saved me from headache, heartache and a eventual divorce. Marrying a man I did not love JUST so that I could have my wedding, baby etc, would have been the worse mistake I ever made.
I am standing in the gap and praying for the complete healing and restoration of Reverend Nawanna Lewis-Miller.
As for the passing of my Aunt, we have yet to tell my Grandmother. My mom is worried about how she will handle it. The coroner is performing an autopsy to rule out foul play and then her body will be sent to a funeral home and she will be cremated, per her wishes. My Aunt was mentally ill and has been the black sheep of the family her whole life. She made my Grandparent’s lives HELL for as long as I could remember. I often found myself questioning God as to why He would allow people like her to live when there is no obvious purpose to her life other than to hell-hack and scam people. Why do you allow hurt, harm and death to come to good people and people like her walk around seemingly happy? There is a purpose under the sun, but I never saw what it was… I guess the lesson was not meant for me.
I just pray that when my mom does tell my Grandmother (she will after everything is done so that she will not flip out about wanting to run down to NC to be in the middle of all this) that she does not get very depressed and start wilding out. I do not have time for that drama. The smallest thing can set off an alzheimers patient. It could really throw her into a whirlwind and she will have exacerbated symptoms. She has forgotten a lot of people and things, and seems much happier and content. She has not had a blow up in months. She has not mentioned my Aunt in several months so I wonder if she even remembers her. She has forgotten her pastor’s name. When you mention other people to her she does not remember them. To me, this disease is disturbing. It is truly frightening that brain cells die and effects the memory to the point that they forget life. I pity her.
Please join me in lifting Rev. Miller and my family in prayer for healing and peace ~