Donor Egg IVF – Dilemma – The 411

ivf - DIY babyAs I embark on another IVF cycle, my sixth !, I have so many decisions that I am being forced to make ! My next cycle will be a donor egg cycle, as it is clear that my eggs/embryos are aneuploid and I do not want to keep riding this infertile merry-go-round of disappointment and heartbreak.

egg donor ivf - sperm donor line up

I lucked up because I just did a hysteroscopy in January, so I so NOT have to do the HSG or saline sonogram again (YAY!!!), (note that I promised myself, God and a few other people I was NEVER doing that HSG ever again….#painful!) and all I have to do now is a mock cycle when my menses resume later this month.

My dilemma now is that there are very few Black egg donors.  The ones the banks have are nothing like me, look nothing like me, do not meet my educational requirements, do not meet my overall requirements AT ALL !  Is it too much to ask for to find a black woman with great medical history, great familial medical history, be beautiful with high cheek bones, fabulous hair, nice teeth, high test scores/gpa, have a college degree or be pursuing one with a decent major (like med school, pre-law, pre-dentistry, engineering…. something ), be tall, no history of STDs, have a compatible blood type, and be creative (musically inclined preferably)?  Am I asking too much?  Those requests are just a few of my characteristics/markers …. I do not need a donor from the Caribbean, as my background is Black, White, Cherokee Indian and Blackfoot Indian.  I do not want my child to look distinctly different from me and my family.

After speaking to a few ladies on some of the online groups I am a member of, one gave me the idea to change my egg donor to caucasian and match the sperm donor to me.  She is in a interracial marriage and they had a hard time finding a Black donor so they used a White egg donor and black sperm donor.

My concern is how will this effect my child’s appearance?  Would they appear more White than Black or would it turn out the same if I were using my eggs since my donor is not Black?

Over the weekend, my mom and I went to the local festival and it seemed like there was an overload of mixed couples there with their children and most of the woman were White and their children looked more Black than White and looked like normal biracial children.  I felt more at ease with having to make a decision to choose a White egg donor if it comes to that.

I have made my appointment for my annual physical later this month and my doctor will sign off on the consent form for me to continue with IVF procedures.

I am still battling with the decision to use frozen or fresh eggs, though I am leaning towards doing fresh only.  The clinics I am interviewing have similar packages and my mom thinks I should do the largest egg package so that I have some to freeze for additional transfers and babies if need be.  If by chance I get pregnant on the first IVF and only one sticks, then I will want to try to a second  baby.  I would not want to wait around for the donor to become available nor would I want to risk her being retired.

My head is spinning with all these decisions to make !   I have signed up with a few egg banks that are approved by the health departments.  There are a few national ones that are approved with most health departments or at least in the States I am looking in for fertility clinics.

If any of you can weigh in with your thoughts, I would GREATLY appreciate it !  It is sooooo hard when no one you are close too has gone through this.  All I can rely on is common sense, my gut, and the women on the blogs  and online groups who have experienced it.

Moving forward with Project Little Valerie Renèes !!

imagesivf - sperm serve at womb temp

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8 thoughts on “Donor Egg IVF – Dilemma – The 411

  1. Our baby will be mixed race as well, since I’m Chinese and our donor is Caucasian. My experience with biracial kids is that there’s no way to predict how they will look- like if they will be more coloured or be more white. Even if you conceived with your own eggs and Caucasian donor sperm, it’s possible that your native Indian characteristics could be passed on and the baby might not look black at all. It sounds like it will be easier to use a Caucasian egg donor and a black sperm donor, so that you have more choice.

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  2. I agree with Mamaetmaman…if you cannot find a choice donor of your race then you can use an egg from another donor of a different race with a black sperm donor (as you wrote)..remember that it won’t really matter what your baby looks like…as soon as you hold him/her in your arms you will fall in love and never look back! Best of luck (again!!) 🙂

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  3. Shew, it’s so difficult. My experience is far less complex, being white with a white donor but after being sent a lot of profiles that were matched to my physical characteristics and hating everyone of them I decided that I didn’t mind if my baby pops out not looking like me. We eventually settled on a donor who is half Portuguese (I am English), but she is young, healthy, clear family medical history and she is studying medicine so is intelligent. These felt much more important. At the risk of sounding naive, it sounds like you had already accepted a mix race baby as your sperm donor is not black… Would it not be exactly the same thing if you swopped the egg and sperm? I’m assuming sperm is easier to come by?

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    • I am of mixed heritage so of course, it does not bother me having a mixed heritage child. I just do not want my children to look distinctly different from me. Children can develop complexes. Since I am paying for the donor and this is my child, I am being extremely picky when it comes to my standards. I am like that with every thing in my life. She will have to match up to me 100%. She has to be gorgeous, highly intelligent, have a stellar health history, as does her family, (like no early age cancers or rare diseases etc), and she will have to have a high gpa, strong background in math/science and she has to be creative. (hopefully music). The only good thing about doing IVF is that we get to “build a baby” in a sense and pick out the best characteristics and other qualities we feel will best serve our children. You do not have this luxury otherwise… I am going to make the most of this opportunity.

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  4. Congrats on moving forward . Did you plan on having an interracial baby from the begining? If you were able to get a black egg donor who fits your criteria would you still opt for a white sperm donor ? I do think switching the options is actually very smart or keep searching . Sometimes even couples have children that look nothing like them so you never really know .

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    • Yes, it has always been my intention for my children to be multiracial, just as I am. My sperm donor is not black, but I never said what race he is 🙂 I may end up having to use a European egg donor since the bank has limited black egg donors and none with my racial make up.

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  5. You know I’m your friend for as long as you will have me and love you like a far-away sister so I’m going to be blunt. If I’d had a list of criteria to match as specific and long as yours I can tell you I would never have found the perfect donor in my own race (caucasian), let alone in one in which there are far fewer donors. I had to choose a handful of criteria that were *the most* important to me and go with those. My donor looks nothing like me. But neither does my 100% biological son – he looks like a spitting image of his dad and I’m praying this little one does too because I am okay with that and I know I will find it hard if baby looks like the egg donor (my partner refused to look at her photos so he never had them in his head for comparison – smart!, wish I could have done that). I applaud you for thinking about shaking up the racial mix if that’s what it takes to hit your most important traits and or history in a donor. I totally get how hard these decisions are and am here if you ever want to vent about the frustrating, heart wrenching or just plain crummy aspects of the process. Sending peaceful and loving thoughts your way.

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    • It is such a hard decision ! I was able to find every quality I wanted in the sperm donor and to have to start over again and choose another sperm donor on top of an egg donor is double hard ! In going thru the new donor list (updated every Tuesday), I found two donors who meet my criteria. Both of them have my bone structure and nose, and meet the other standards I have. They even have good track records as a donor. Of course they are both currently cycling for someone, but I will not be cycling until Fall anyway so I am going to put my name on the list for that timeframe. I know that children often never look like one parent over the other… my nieces and nephews are prime examples of that LOL. They look like my brother in laws ! They all look alike, ironically, but they have my mom’s features. Keep me in your prayers that I find the perfect two for me and can get this show on the road later this year ! I definitely did not want to be in the final stages of my pregnancy during the harsh part of Winter since my doctors are all in Manhattan and I will stay there the last three months of the pregnancy. Thanks for offering a shoulder to cry on 🙂 SIX MORE DAYS !!!! Baby Azulito/a will be here 🙂

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