The picture above is my 2014 Christmas Tree.  My mom wanted to do all silver this year for the family Christmas celebration. The whole family is usually together either at my mom’s or we pick a place to travel to.  We wanted to go to London this year, but with my mom’s cancer treatment, we are staying at home and taking a trip to Mexico a few weeks after Christmas.

The family, sans my sister and fam who reside in NC, spent Thanksgiving together. My sister and the fam were missed, but my sister has a new job and she only had the day off.  My mom was queasy all day on Thanksgiving so she laid down most of the day but felt better by dinner time.

I am finding myself starting to get depressed about Christmas.  I do not know how to explain it… it has been six months since I had the D&C and lost my daughter.  To feel a life growing inside you and then to suddenly feel that life leave you, it is hard.  I feel like a part of me is missing.  I loved that baby and was looking forward to her making her beautiful appearance on Christmas Day via scheduled c-section.  I have had two additional IVFs since losing her and neither took.

I am spending the next month and half working on dropping twenty to twenty-five pounds.  I have gained the weight with all the stim meds and excessive eating in the days after each transfer due to prednisone.  I absolutely HATE my body right now.  I ordered 35g protein shakes that I love and am drinking a detox and immune tea that I got from Herb Shoppe in New York.  I also picked up fat burners today.  I am on a mission !

My dating life has been going good.  The eye surgeon and I finally went out on Tuesday night.  He is very cool. He is so darn gorgeous, intelligent and funny.  We had a great time.  He wants to get together again soon.  I have also gone out with an IT consultant twice.  He is really nice.  He, too, is much shorter than I am, but he is a cutie and seems to be very into me.  So far, those are the two that I am dating.  I signed up for another site and am getting the lay of the land so to speak.  I am figuring things out.  I also signed up for Coffee Meets Bagel and for Tinder.  I figure I should keep my eyes and options open so that Mr. Right can find me.

If I can just get past the heavy sadness I am feeling every time I think of Christmas.  I wish I could just hop on a plane and go to a remote island in Fiji and not have to think about Christmas.  2014 was supposed to be MY year !  I was supposed to have the BEST Christmas EVER by having my daughter.  Harper Jean was supposed to come into the world on my favorite holiday.  Now, I will spend another Christmas watching others with their children.  I will spend another Christmas without being with my own family.  Two years ago, I was supposed to be getting married. In retrospect, it is a blessing that that did not happen.  Can you spell DISASTER?

Anyway, I hope everyone else is finding peace and is able to celebrate Christmas and have an amazing day ~