This morning, I decided to POAS.  I went out last night and got the FRER, which is supposed to be the best HPT on the market to detect early pregnancy.  NEGATIVE.  Just one line.  Not a hint of a faint line….

I thought for sure that with everything done in this cycle to address my autoimmune issues that those embryos would definitely stick since they had a suppressed immune system to thrive in.  It appears that nothing has taken root.  I should be getting at least a faint line by now.

For now, this is going to be the end of my TTC journey.  I am not going to keep beating my head against a brick wall.  Thousands upon thousands of dollars in medications, even with finding bargains…  Thousands of dollars wasted at at a fertility clinic….   Now, to be able to go further, I would have to shell out with $18 or $32 thousand more dollars to CCRM for either and own egg cycle or a donor egg cycle.   The more I think about it, what is the point in me doing a donor egg cycle?  To give birth to children who will share none of my dna AND have no father?  Would these kids hate me?  I have no desire to use the eggs of my sisters, as that would be just giving birth to my niece or nephew and nothing about that appeals to me and seems a bit too cooky.  Even more hard to explain to a child….

I thought of trying IUI, which is a lot cheaper, but that is the equivalent of timed intercourse and thus a waste of time if IVF would not work for me.   At this point, I am not even going in for beta.  I will just wait for my period to start in the next week.

I am out of options and out of patience.   Now, I have to get rid of the arsenal of baby items I have been stocking for over a year now.

I am beyond angry.  My two best friends “accidentally” get pregnant.  I spend a mint trying to do this “the right way.”  Trying to do the “right thing” in the eyes of God and…. He laughs in my face.  What have I ever done to deserve this?  I guess what they say about life not being fair is true….  #done