Today is my 7th night of stims.  I am happy to say that I have been doing well and am not bruised up yet !  Maybe because they do not have me taking Lovenox until after transfer this time.

I mixed all my meds and did the two injections and am finally starting to feel the ovarian swell.  My estradiol is only 123 today.  I emailed my doctor about my concerns and asked if we needed to adjust anything to get that E2 up because I am not going through another cycle and peaking at 148 and ending up with immature eggs.  My E2 during my first cycle was almost 400 at this point.  I still have a full week of injections before trigger so I am hoping by Wednesday that it goes up some and that by Friday it is in the 1000’s.

I am starting to become weepy !  UGH !!   I am not sure how much of it is the stress of my mom’s illness and undergirding fear that something could go horribly wrong in a few months… With cancer, you never know.  A lot of that is stimming from my friend Joanne’s passing at the age of 32.  WHY ???   She did have a rare cancer, endometrial, which went to her chest pretty quickly and then ended up in her brain.  I am completely heartbroken that she did not get to have her dream wedding… have children with her fiancee… live her life !!  But who is to say she did not live it?  God, this is soooo unfair !!  My soul cries for her !

I have been having a rough couple of days.  Not sure if any of you have ever had to deal with the elderly, let alone the elderly with alzheimers.  Enter my grandmom !  LAUD JESUS UP ON HIGH !!!

I have BEGGED my sister, who lives in North Carolina to PLEASE come get her.  No one understand what it is like.  I feel saddled once again by my family.  That is the reason I moved to NYC to get away and live a life that did not require that I give up so much of myself. There was no one there depending on me and for the first time, I felt FREE.  I came back last summer to help my mom out with my grandmom who she had to move to VA from NC because she fell ill and it was discovered that she had alzheimers.  The burden of dealing with someone who has dying brain cells, is clinging to a past life they are incapable of now living, and being resentful, sneaky, bitchy, and down right pissed off, is HARD.

With me, I am a more take no prisoners type.  My grandmother is a weak woman.  Still caring the scars of child abuse at the hand of her father and the ignorance of it by her mother.  By the time my mom and her siblings we here, my great-grandfather had found Christ and became a preacher.  He left behind unhealed wounds which he inflicted on all six of those children and they are all broken, hurting people in their old age.  Nothing you say can change their experience.

I have two sisters, both of whom are married.  One lives 50 miles from my mom and she comes to help out when she can, but has two teen daughters.  My other sister moved to NC last summer and has an adult son in CA, and with her a teen and a two year old baby and her husband works out of the country.  Being that the one in NC is a nurse, I felt it would be fair of her, while I am stimming and a complete emotional mess, to come get my grandmom for 2 weeks so that she is not on my heels every freaking minute wanting to HELP me… help me cook… help me clean the kitchen… wanting to check the mail (which she will hide if you let her check it and her bills won’t get paid)… wanting to inject me with my meds (she was a nurse)… she wants to be helpful, but I do not want nor need her help.  It is down right ANNOYING !   Imagine having about 12 pre-teens following you around all day !   That is what it is like with ONE alzheimers patient.  They want to be grown and exert their “grown-ness” but they can no longer do anything.   You let her cook, she doesn’t remember what goes into anything and will make a nasty mess and will leave the gas on the burner and burn the house down.   Dying brain cells coupled with yet ANOTHER UTI !  UTI’s in the elderly cause psychosis !  She becomes beligerant, argumentative for no reason and even more paranoid that she is already !  I find her plundering through things, peering over the catwalk at me for prolonged periods to see what I am doing in the family room  ( I am WORKING!!), or constantly coming in to the kitchen when I am in there and being in my way.  It gets to the point, I have to turn off what ever I am making and just wait for her to finish washing the dishes, putting them away, or what ever other busy work she finds to do.

My sister in NC gave me the ” I am busy… working a 9-5… have a teen and a baby… etc.” bullshit.  People assume that because you do not have children or a husband, you are free to pick up all the slack and I am tired of it. I feel like the dumping ground sometimes.  I work harder and longer than anyone in this family.   Do you have ANY idea how long it takes to write a script, polish it, do a business plan, plan out the film production and then chase down money to make it?   On top of that branding and developing new projects.  I am in the middle of film festival submissions right now and also developing a stage play and a new screenplay.  I need to focus.  I can not do that, cook, keep an eye on my mom, be hell hacked by my grandmother sans the time she is at day care for 4 hrs, and do my work.   I have barely had time to sit and go through possible dates on Match.com let alone EHarmony I am paying $45 or so a month for.

My other sister will be coming out here at the end of the week to sit with our mom and entertain my grandmom.  My mom’s brother is tied up with his daughter who has an eating disorder, so of course, I get stuck with having to be superwoman.

I will be sooooo glad when I am finally pregnant and have these babies.  I planned to move away sooner, but I lost my daughter who would have been born in December on Christmas… so I stuck around the East Coast to be closer to my doctors and clinic and to help my mom.  Now my mom is ill, so I guess God had a way of putting me where I was going to be needed.   I am just ready to do something for myself.   I never get to be as selfish as my sisters and live in my own cocoon.  I get stuck having to pick up everyone’s slack.

Prayerfully, this is MY cycle and I can get this show on the road, have these babies, and MOVE to the West Coast.  Eventually, I want to relocate to Europe.  At least part of the year.  It would nice to spend time in different places before I get too old to enjoy life.