So….. I took another HPT this morning (8DP5DT) and…. BF effin N !  How do you transfer THREE embryos and NONE of them take?  NONE… NOT ONE !

I am supposed to go in for beta in the morning, but I am not going to.  No point…  I feel like my period is trying to come on.  It is due to come on on the 8th or 9th.  

My mom has her biopsy on the 9th so beta will have to wait until after that. I do not want to go for beta to get a call tomorrow afternoon with the “so sorry… better luck next time!”  “We were so sure this cycle would work!”

How do you get a BFP 1st time out the gate then absolutely NOTHING the next?  I am so disappointed and disgusted !

I do not know what to do next.  I really do not want to do donor eggs.  Bad enough I will have to tell my children that their father was a donor… then to explain that biologically, with the exception of epigenetics, I am not related to you either.  I just made ya in a little lab and pushed ya out… 

I have one frozen embryo still at CNY, but I am not sure I want to transfer just one embryo. Transfer one for it to just die off too?  I want twins and done !  Is that too much to ask for?  Really?

I think what infuriates me the most is every day lately when I turn on the news, look on FB or other social media, there are reports of people leaving their infants in the car, abusing their children, selling their children, etc…  All I want is to give birth to two healthy children that share my DNA and to nurture and guide them through life.  And GOD gives children to vermin who hurt and kill their kids?   That is one discussion He and I will be having face to face one day.  I just want to understand how and why that is even a remote possibility.  What what the PLAN in that? 

I just do not know what to do now.  How do I figure out which clinic to use next?  Do I use donor eggs?  So many women are using donor eggs and STILL having miscarriages or not getting pregnant at all.  My embryos are genetically normal at 5 day blast-  the ones that make it-  so what is going on with my body that they are not implanting?  Why are the doctors not doing more to ensure that implantation occurs?  Every med you mention, the song is “we do not have enough evidence to show that it is truly effective”….   This time we even increased my intralipids to two bags and still nothing !

This is so confusing and painful.  I went into this with all the hope and faith in the world.  I am trusting that God will bring clarity and instruction on where to turn next.  I have the sneaky suspicion that I am taking too high a dose of meds and should be taking 1/2 the gonal f I have been taking and should slow down the stimming process then trigger.  The fact that I only had 4 eggs with 10-12 follicles and none of them were mature shows that I was triggered too soon and the meds were not effective on the eggs this cycle.

I am not willing to pay more money to CNY for more cycles to “fish around” for the right protocol. I need to find a clinic that can get me where I need to be right off the bat and sustain the pregnancy through the right autoimmune protocol.  I refuse to believe that all RE’s believe that there is not much out there which can help an autoimmune problem.  I have got to figure out what to do next…  Money does not grow on trees and I have already spent over $20,000 with meds, procedures and the travel expenses for these 2 cycles.  So confused….