Waiting – The 411

baby - waiting

 

My RE and I spoke and I learned that yesterday when my eggs were retrieved, surprisingly, they were immature.  Later this morning, miraculously, the eggs matured and they were able to ICSI them.  Dr. Grossman said that we now wait to see if they divide and we likely will not know anything until Thursday and if they do divide, then he will do the transfer earlier (Thursday or Friday), instead of on Saturday. 

Dr. Grossman said he didn’t expect that I would have that few eggs in light of the number of follicles I had and it was a surprise that the eggs matured the next day.  He said should this cycle fail, then the only thing I can do is cycle again.

My mom and a few ladies I have spoken to on the boards suggested that I do a lower med dosage next cycle, as most REs give high doses for our age bracket and they have personally experienced better cycles with lower doses.

Now I need to wait.  I am trying to focus and keep the faith.  This is one of those times when you want to curse God and wonder why you are going through this when all you have been in good and kind.  People who are ratched and evil pop out babies like popcorn.  I am a successful woman with a great heart and (1) no Mr. Right and now (2) no babies.   REALLY GOD?  THIS is the masterplan?  What happened to being in your PERMISSIVE WILL as well as in your DIRECTIVE WILL?   What happened to “anything you ask in my name and believe in your heart that you can have, you will?” and “my Word will not return until Me void?”  or “Ask and it shall be given?”  or……….. So many promises we are supposed to stand on and in return we get what for believing? 

I am very certain that this is exactly what the enemy wants us to believe.  He wants us to distrust God.  I just question what kind of God do I serve that my enemies are blessed, those who thumb their nose at God are blessed, the ratchet, whorish, do what the hell they want people are blessed and those who obey and go out of their way to BE a blessing to others can not seem to catch a break?   Under what act is THAT okay?

Is now the time I am to allow my lips and my life to preach the same sermon?  HOW do you expect me to keep trusting and to keep believing when YOU are not doing your part?  At what point do you give up and just say EFF it? 

I am beyond frustrated. Thousands and thousands of dollars out the window. Weight gained.  Thousands of dollars in baby gear that I may have to give away.  The toll the meds take on our bodies….

I can not help but be pissed !  Both my best friends got pregnant and were not even trying…. OPPS !  And here I am, paying to get pregnant, and it is like money down the drain.  I am angry ! 

So many other women out there are just screwing around with any Tom Dick and Harry and popping up pregnant and they can not even afford to get pregnant, let alone afford the costs of raising a child and Shaquitta and nem have five or six little bay bays running around.  REALLY GOD? 

I am so angry.  Trying to vent all of this out so that I can get myself in a better place to fight and move forward fighting until I get to the end. 

It does not help that my mom looks at me this morning and says “well, God does not intend for all women to be mothers.”  Well to that I say, FUCK THAT !  I am NOT buying into that bullshit. 

God says that anything we ask for in HIS name, we shall have.  So damn it, I want a billion dollars, a husband who meets every single criteria that I have asked God for, and I want to give birth to healthy twins who will be everything I have prayed to God for them to be.   How hard is that? 

For the first time in my life, I am in a place where I feel like I have NOTHING worth living for.  A fleeting thought, but all the same I now see how people end up in that space.   I pulled myself up and thought of all the things I am blessed to have and all the things that could be wrong in my life that are not, and for that I am grateful.  I just need the rest of this crap to line it up so that I can be happy.  I will never be happy without children.  I deserve to have that after all the struggle and hell I have had in my life.  I did not just wake up like this !  I have worked my behind off to get to where I am at this point.  I just need to complete this story.

I would say pray for me, but at this point, I can not see where it helps or hurts.

#brokenhearted  #madatGod  #pissedattheworld  #tryingtofindareasontohope #tryingtofindareasontopray

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2 thoughts on “Waiting – The 411

  1. Oh, I feel so many of your same angers. I wish I had the right words, or could give you everything you want. Heck, I’d give myself everything I want too! We didn’t have many eggs my first cycle, so I understand the frustration. And my doctor didn’t have a reason… I guess that’s where the science comes in. I’ll be praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so very sorry that this isn’t going as planned. I am so hopeful that this will work out for you! Besides, your eggs matured miraculously, so that’s a great sign! ❤ I can understand your anger and frustration and I am so very sorry to hear what your mother said to you. I wish people knew how hurtful those words can be. Hugs!!! You are in my thoughts. Please be kind to yourself and if you need someone to talk to, don't be afraid to reach out and ask.

    Liked by 1 person

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