The Pain of The Journey

So many people I encounter in my daily walk have asked me; “Why is it you are so strong.  Nothing seems to bother you… You are so resilient and have so much faith.”

What people do not realize is that faith, for me, is a process.  Those who are strong, do indeed hurt and bleed as the next man does.

When something troubles me, I sit and reflect.  Of course my first phase of reflection is “why me?”…”what have I done to be deserving of this happening in my life, when those who proclaim no love of God, nor proclaim to belong to Him as I do, seemingly NEVER have problems, issues or roadblocks.”

After meditating on scripture, recalling the countless times God has delivered me from what I thought was failure to fabulous, and after digging deep to allow myself to grieve that moment and then pull myself out of despair, I remember that only polished stones go through the fire of refinement.  Had I not gone through what I went through, I would not be able to be as strong as I am, accomplish the things that I have accomplished, nor would my test become the same testimony that will comfort and deliver someone else who is going through it.

I often wonder why Mr. Right never came and why I must do this journey solo.  I wonder why God would allow my grandfather to pass away before being able to see my little blessing(s). So many others I see who have no faith walk, have no relationship with God, seem to have it all.  They have amazing husbands, all of their family around when milestones happen, such a birth, and as dynamic a woman as I have been blessed to become, where is my fairytale ending? 

At the age of 43, I no longer have the luxury of waiting for Mr. Right.  I will also not compromise on what I want and need and just accept any ole body either.  So, I came to the realization after talking to my godmother, that medical technology has advanced to the point that I can do this without waiting.  Mr. Right can come when God sends Him and I can have my child and do this with all of the love and support I have around me.

To all of the women out there who are single and afraid, I encourage you to be brave enough to take that step.  Even for couples who are married, they will tell you that it is never a GOOD TIME to start a family. 

I called my prayer partner, a well respected and known Pastor and asked her what she thought of my decision.  Her response was heartfelt and shocking.  She said that she is of the belief that ALL babies are gifts from God.  I am not out there just sleeping around fornicating to bring a child here, I am using medical technology that God, Himself, gave man knowledge of to bring life into the world.  Even if I were to conceive through fornication, nothing happens outside of God’s permission and God and ONLY God has the power to create life. WHEW!   No truer words have been spoken.  God is the giver of all things and is the creator of life. 

I read in scripture (Jeremiah) as God spoke saying Before you were formed in your mother’s womb, I knew you ! In Romans 8, I then read: For those whom He foreknew [of whom He was aware and loved beforehand], He also destined from the beginning [foreordaining them] to be molded into the image of His Son [and share inwardly His likeness], that He might become the firstborn among many brethren.

And those whom He thus foreordained, He also called; and those whom He called, He also justified (acquitted, made righteous, putting them into right standing with Himself). And those whom He justified, He also glorified [raising them to a heavenly dignity and condition or state of being].What then shall we say to [all] this? If God is for us, who [can be] against us?
 
So to those who struggle with the decision as to whether or not to do this, if God be for you, no devil in hell can be against you !  

 

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