What Happened to Plan A?

Here I am, 43, single, feeling like I did something wrong; like I took some wrong turns somewhere.  Upon reflection, the majority of my friends married young, divorced, remarried, some divorced again.  They are single parents.

In 2011, I met a man, dated him and soon after got engaged.  In the midst of planning the “wedding of the century”, and three designer wedding gowns later, he got cold feet and called the wedding off.  As hurt as I was, in therapy, I realized that he was not the man I should have ever been married to because I did not truly love him.  Not the way a woman should if she is to spend the rest of her life with him.  I ignored his shortcomings and all the things about him that irked me, simply because I felt this pressure to hurry up and get married and do what every woman should be able to do- HAVE A BABY !

What do I do now?, I thought.  Here I am over 40, single, no prospects in sight, and conflicted because I am a Christian woman, a professional, educated woman, and I want a baby…twins, actually !   Who has a baby out of wedlock unless you are a celeb? But I am an up and coming celeb- IMHO 🙂   Do I just go have a one night stand with a date?  NO !  Okay… cryobank is now a part of my vocabulary.

Fast forward to 2013.  I decided that I no longer had to wait for “Mr. Right.”  Why?  I had to reconcile my faith with my choice and pray until I felt some clarity.  I was mad at God and felt that if He wanted me to have the wonderful husband I deserved, He should have sent him here by now.

My Plan A?  Build my career as an actress, vocalist, commercial print model, run my nonprofit organization, start a film production company and somewhere along the way, meet HIM ! I would fall head over heels for the perfect guy who’s love for me would mirror that of God’s love for me.  NOPE, NOPE and Hell NO !

So, even though my motto is never have a PLAN B because you will never go after PLAN A full gusto, I find myself in a place where I realize that I can live without being someone’s wife, but I was born to be someone’s mother.

I met with my OB GYN and we discussed my options.  My OB GYN and my Internist ran tests and also did a HSG to see where I was and to make sure it was not too late to for me to embark on this journey.  All hormone levels were great and my HSG showed no blockage of the fallopian tubes.

Now, I have to research to find a facility, doctor with high success rates and oh… the money to pay for this procedure since my insurance will not cover it !

So this is where I will begin this chronicle !

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